It’s been 3 years since I left blogging…
A lot have changed around here. I have changed.
I can’t describe the feeling of looking back at old posts. It’s like reading someone else’s mind. Well, I realize now the good thing about writing down your feelings and ideas. You get the chance to remember your old self.
There’s this one post from long ago, “People Change, So As Our Priorities“, that left me feeling bittersweet.
I wrote this 3 years ago, before I started working. Reading it again made me remember how I felt back then.
Now I’m feeling almost the same with how I felt when I wrote it – afraid and excited.
In the 3 years that I’d been gone, I almost forgot about most of the things that I used to do. I became too occupied with work, the new environment and the new people I’ve met. I was so giddy on my first months in the office. It was like, “whoa, I’m officially an office girl!”.
The first year was a bit hard. I was not earning much, but that wasn’t important because I like what I do. I’ve met new friends, I experienced parties, I learned how to drink tequila. ;p
I loved everything about my career. I was being recognized and I’ve gotten a number of company awards. That was the first time that I felt at home in a different place. Every year I got promoted and I saw myself being a team lead at the age of 25, and then a manager before I reach 30.
I am 23 now. I believe my visions are not impossible. I might even be promoted to Team Lead by next year…
I’m beginning to change visions.
This whole year, I was carrying a baggage – the terrible feeling of going each day to work and wishing that you don’t have to. My work is VERY stressful. We talk to clients, we provide them the services they need. We have to please them every time. I wasn’t feeling the stress at first because I thought that I like this. I LOVE this. I’m a high performer. And I can now buy the things that I never had before.
When I was promoted last year as an Analyst, I started to doubt. Do I still want this? Do I still want to lead? Do I still want to manage?
Yes I’m earning more than most of my classmates in college.. but I feel like I’m missing a huge part in my life. There was the time when I had to work on a midshift, that’s from 3pm to 1am. I was always lacking sleep and so tired the whole week that I can only afford to sleep on the weekend. I’ve handled different types of clients, from the kindest to the fiercest. I had cried a number of times just because I was so tired of pleasing everyone.
I was so sad, and one can obviously see that because I’m not the type of person who’s good in pretending. I was sad not only because I was so stressed out, but because my visions of my future are becoming dimmer and dimmer, until they became black.
For the past months, I’ve been through a lot of coaching and counseling. Most of them would say that I’ve come this far and that I should not give up. I’m one of the luckiest persons when it comes to opportunities. The managers and the leads that I’ve worked with have gone panicky when I said that I was resigning last August. They don’t want me to go. And I appreciate that thought very much. For some people, they would have just easily approved resignation without a doubt. So I decided to stay.
To help me overcome demotivation and get me back on track, I was given less stressful tasks. My current client is very understanding. She even requested me to be part of her team.
But then I still feel like something is not right. There had been signs that told me to go but I ignored because I’m thinking that maybe all of these will all just pass. Maybe next year will be better…
I am afraid and I’m sad about giving up my career. If I leave all of these, where will I go next? There are no ideas coming to my mind because this is all I know. I couldn’t find the answer because I lost the light that’s leading me to my dream…
Last week, I talked to my current manager and the primary thing that he asked is what’s basically causing my disengagement? I said I don’t know, maybe I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want office work anymore. And then I didn’t have to explain myself because he has already mentioned all the things that I’ve been thinking about, but I wasn’t sure if those are the right things to do. He said that I’m young and I shouldn’t stress myself out with over-thinking. I should explore and enjoy the world. I should do all the things that I want to do. He said that I wouldn’t want to think about all of these when I reach 30 and regret the times that I let slip away. I should take a break, think of what I really want to do. If I had to resign, then I should resign. And when the time comes that I realize that I want to go back, I can always come back. He encouraged me not to be afraid, and if I’m only thinking about financial consequences, the happiness that material things can give me is just temporary. What my heart is saying is what’s more important.
Hearing him say these things made me smile. I couldn’t agree more. The following day, brilliant ideas started to light up in my mind, like real light bulbs. That was the first time in months that I felt excited.
I want to blog again. I want to start a business, a small business. And then this morning I could see myself again, years from now. 🙂
Maybe that’s the way life’s designed. Sometimes, you have to let go of the things that you want to get what you deserve. I know it’s still a long way and I haven’t even got to the middle of my journey, but I know I can do this. I was able to get through hard times before, I can do it again now. 🙂